


better you die than i

by makemelovely



Category: The Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, F/M, Non-Linear Narrative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-12-03 05:37:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11525637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makemelovely/pseuds/makemelovely
Summary: Sometimes even Katherine forgets she was human once.





	better you die than i

There is one thing that is true above all else about Katherine Pierce, Katerina Petrova, and everything from there to here and the in-between.

She's a survivor.

*

Sometimes Katherine forgets that she was human once. Damon forgets it, Stefan forgets it, Saint Elena forgets it. Add Klaus and herself to that list and it's basically complete.

Elijah never forgot, though. It's a pain in the ass sometimes that when he looks at Katherine he sees Katerina, and he remembers chasing her but never catching her even though he could and her telling him about love before they're interrupted. Sometimes he looks at her with kind eyes and his hands are gentle and he'll say her name in a way that is worship, soft and sweet and stretching every syllable as if he never wants to stop saying her name. Sometimes it makes her stomach twist pleasantly because Katherine forgets that she was once a girl with stars in her eyes and a phantom pain in her belly and death on her heels but she never notices because she is drawn by wealth and gorgeous men. Katherine needs a reminder sometimes.

("It doesn't do to forget who you once were. Who you were when your heart was beating and you were fragile." Elijah says, serious and dark with his eyes blazing with honesty and remembrance.)

("Do you even remember being human, Elijah?" Katherine always replies and Elijah's answer never comes but that is the answer in and of itself.)

*

Katherine can't fucking breath and it's like everything in her body is slamming painfully against a brick wall over and over again because she is dying and it wasn't supposed to happen like this.

(It wasn't supposed to happen at all, actually but that's not the most important thing right now.)

*

Elena Gilbert has it all and that makes Katherine burn. It's just not fair that little Saint Elena got everything and Katherine didn't have anything.

Katherine had her baby ripped from her and she never got to hold her. Her family cast her out of Bulgaria and threw her into England where she met Klaus and Elijah and Trevor and Rose. Elijah who she thought would protect her from death but instead he sided with his brother and hunted her for centuries. Klaus who punished her for wanting to live but slaughtering her entire family and chasing her forever until he caught her, as if he hadn't done enough damage to her. Trevor who was an idiot who had helped her run but he wasn't very important in the long run. Rose who had changed her, albeit unwillingly. That didn't really matter to Katherine. She had gotten what she wanted. If they died, well, better them than her.

Katherine then spent her life running, looking back and forward and sideways and any direction possible because running without really living was still better than dying. Anything was better than dying.

Years later she met the Salvatore brothers. Stefan stole her heart and she stole Damon's. In the beginning she really did love both of them. Stefan who looked like she had given him the world when she kissed him for the first time and Damon who was funny and gorgeous and gave her everything she never had. Love, pure and wholehearted. But later Stefan swooped in and plucked her heart from her chest without even trying. He was devoted and caring and sweet and Katherine saw the ledge and she chose to jump into loving Stefan Salvatore with her heart. Well, what was left of it.

Elena doesn't get it. The only struggle she has ever had was when her parents died and her boyfriend turned out to be a vampire. Elena has never had that crushing disappointment when your daughter is born and you don't even get to hold her. She doesn't understand the bitter, terrifying feeling that overwhelms your body when you realize that you are only there to let your blood spill over a silly little stone. Elena didn't have to die to live. She didn't have to try to have Stefan's undying affections or Damon's unrequited love. She didn't understand that while she had the opportunity for the better life, Katherine didn't. Her life went down, down, down, and it isn't going up.

(It's just not fair but maybe that's Katherine's new life motto. it fits.)

*

Katherine is the Queen of Hell but she still isn't satisfied.

(She sometimes wonders if it'll be enough. If anything will ever be enough.)

*

Elijah tells her that she's better than this. His eyes are wide and hurt and mistrust lurks in the shadows that are frighteningly visible in his brown eyes.

Just because she kind of killed Jeremy Gilbert it doesn't mean she's different. She still loves Elijah and that little nuisance's death didn't change her feelings for him.

(But they clearly changed his feelings, she tries not to think as her fingers curl into fists and her fingernails dig into her palm.)

*

When Jeremy's neck snaps for a split second it rings in the silent still air. It takes her back to Katerina Petrova and her dead baby sister looking at her with wide brown eyes in the mirror as Katerina runs a hand through her long brown hair. It makes her teeth ache and her heart clench and it tastes a little too much like humanity for Katherine so she forces it back.

(She buried her humanity long ago when she said "Better you die than I.")

*

Katherine is human and dying and she just wants to stop. She feels like she's not breathing and her heart is pounding against her ribs and her lungs are expanding and she's technically alive but now she's dying all over again except this time she can't turn into a vampire.

*

Katherine's nail slices across her wrist and she offers it to Elena, who looks at her warily. Elena can take it and run and live. She might not die or she could lie and say she accidently got into the tomb and Katherine turned her to end the line of women who can't own their face. 

Elena chose to stay human. One day soon she will be dead. That's one way out.

Katherine chose the other way out.

*

Katherine Pierce the vampire was once Katerina Petrova, the human.

There are obvious differences and subtle ones. An example of the subtle differences is Katherine pretending she owns her face and Katerina, doomed to wear the face that is another's and can never be her own for as long as she may live.

*

Katherine Pierce was once human and she sacrificed a lot of people to live.

*

Maybe her motto should be better you die than I.

It's more realistic and it describes her as perfectly as anything can.


End file.
